Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just made out with a guy for $7.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
