Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
