There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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