So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Randomize
