fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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