im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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