There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Floor bacon is actually really good
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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