is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
