I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
