Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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