your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
