69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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