found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
