I accidentally burped into my bong.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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