Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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