I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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