I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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