im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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