I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Randomize
