I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
