There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
