So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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