I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
