the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
