John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize