I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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