I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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