You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
