I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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