I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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