I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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