It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
