I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
