Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
