am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
