it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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