Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize