My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
