Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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