Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
