hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
