I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
