hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
