I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
