Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
