why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
