Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
