i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
