Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
