I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She's the barista slut.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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