The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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