I CAN MOONWALK!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
