someone get that fucking seahorse.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
