If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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