Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Come see our sink grown plant.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
