why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
