I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
